A Wedding for Christmas Read online

  “Only have panic attacks? Do you know what it’s like to be raped? Held down and violated by so many men—dirty, stinking, brutal pigs. Made to submit to every horrid, depraved act. They tied me up, then shoved themselves everywhere they could.” Tears streamed down her face. “It’s always in front of me, behind me, on top of me, inside me. It’ll never go away.”

  “It won’t, but you have to make a decision.” Tyler cupped her face with both hands. “Play the hand you were dealt or fold. I know you’re not a quitter, because if you were, you wouldn’t be standing here.”

  “I only exist.”

  “It’s better than the alternative.” He lowered his forehead to touch hers. “I have to go home for a few hours. Why don’t you heat up the food we bought and turn on the TV? I’ll be back to check on you, but I can’t stay with you tonight. Got it?”

  This was something Zulu had to face alone. She had to find her inner strength without relying on someone else, especially someone to love her.

  It had been the same for him. Having Kelly love him had not been enough for him to escape from his recurring nightmare. No, it had taken faith and trust in God, and the fact he had a family who needed him to be healthy and sane that compelled him to seek healing.

  “Sure, don’t let me keep you.” She turned away from him and headed for the bedroom. She’d already done her ritual of checking behind every door, and both the closet and shower had been cleared.

  “I believe you will be fine,” he shouted after her. “You’re strong and Hawa needs you to be strong.”

  She shut the bedroom door, ignoring him. Anger was better than despair, and her being upset at him for going back to Kelly showed she hadn’t completely given up on life.

  Bowing his head, Tyler prayed and asked God to give Zulu faith that she could overcome her trauma. On his way out, he passed by the closed bedroom door and heard the shower running.

  “Zulu, take care of yourself,” he yelled through the door.

  “I’ll be okay. Just go,” she shouted back.

  God help him if she wasn’t okay. The guilt would crush him. No one but another veteran truly understood the incessant hammering of wartime horrors festering deep inside the soul and the depths with which one could so easily sink.

  ~ Kelly ~

  “Mama, you look sad,” Bree says to me as I clean up the plates after dinner.

  I’m waiting for Tyler and losing hope he’ll come home before Bree’s bedtime. But then, he’s not really Bree’s father, and I don’t need him to be present when I speak to my daughter.

  The way things are going, I’m destined to be a single mother from here on out. I should have known this wedding was a sham, a lousy bandage unable to cover the fact that Tyler and I aren’t meant for each other.

  He’s driven to help the world, whereas I need structure and security. I can’t take his idealism away, and he’d feel trapped if I insisted he settle down and put his family first.

  It’s time I stop depending on Tyler to help me parent my own daughter—the one I had independently.

  “There’s something I need to tell you.” I load plates into the dishwasher as Bree gathers silverware from the table. “There’s a little girl who’s sick in the hospital.”

  “Is it Matt’s sister?” Bree asks. “She’s sick.”

  “Oh? I didn’t know Matt had a sister.”

  “She never comes to school, because she lives in the hospital.” Bree’s eyes are large and solemn.

  “I’m sorry about that. What does she have?”

  “I don’t know. Something bad.” Bree shrugs. “She can’t come to the wedding and be a flower girl.”

  It can’t be. It has to be a coincidence. Sheryl never mentioned having a sick child, and now that I think about it, I’ve never seen her picking up anyone other than Matt from school. I can’t let a coincidence distract me.

  I finish loading the dishwasher and hand Bree a cloth to wipe down the table. “Tomorrow, we’re taking you to the doctor to help the sick girl.”

  Bree’s eyes widen. “Will it be my good deed?”

  “Yes, a very good deed. They’re going to find out if something inside your bones can help her get well.”

  “My bones? Is it like a chicken bone?”

  I touch her hipbone which juts from her skinny frame. “You have bone marrow inside your bones. They’re going to suck out some of it to give to her.”

  “Will it hurt? I want to do my good deed, but not if it hurts.” Her brows furrow, and she shakes her head.

  “They’ll let you go to sleep and you won’t feel a thing, but it might hurt a little after you wake up.” I hear the front door open.

  “Kelly, I’m home,” Tyler calls.

  Shock vibrates through my fingers, and I almost drop a glass, but I recover quickly and set it on the counter. Wiping my hands, I follow Bree who skips out of the kitchen to greet Tyler.

  “Papa!” Bree squeals and jumps for his arms. “Mama says I can save a little girl’s life. It might hurt, but I’m a brave girl.”

  “You certainly are.” He lifts her up and hugs her. “You’re the bravest girl I know. I’m so proud of you.”

  Since he hasn’t greeted me, I retire back to the kitchen and proceed to scrub the pots. Maybe he’s mad at me for demanding his attention or heaping guilt on him. It’s not like I need him, since I already broke the news about the bone marrow transplant to Bree by myself.

  “Kel, I’m taking the kids and Brownie for a walk,” Tyler says from the kitchen door. He places Arman into the backpack child carrier and loops it over his shoulders.

  Right. He’s so upset, he hasn’t even kissed me. The kids, of course, do deserve his attention, and so does Brownie.

  “Sure, see you when you get back.” I pick at the burnt remnants of pot roast stuck to the bottom of the pot.

  After cleaning the kitchen, I get back on the laptop and read forums discussing issues from both the donor and recipient side. Dr. Debdatta said the earliest we can schedule the transplant would be the middle of next week. Apparently, after we sign the consent, they would use radiation to kill off all remaining diseased bone marrow from the patient. There’s no backing out once that happens.

  By the time, Bree, Tyler, and Arman return from their walk, I’m up to my elbows in facts and stats about childhood leukemia and the chances that a bone marrow transplant will succeed.

  Tyler bends over me as I stare at my laptop and says, “I’ll put the kids to bed and then we need to talk.”

  “Only if you’re sure Zulu’s safe. I wouldn’t want to be responsible in case she has a relapse.” I’m determined not to beg for his attention.

  “She’s going to have to take some responsibility,” he says. “We left Brownie there with her, and she seemed fine.”

  “You left Brownie?”

  No wonder he hasn’t come into the kitchen to slurp his water or beg for a head rub.

  “Yes, he’s a good companion and can pass for a therapy dog. Zulu is afraid of being alone, and Brownie’s a warm body she can hold onto if she gets frightened.” Tyler uncrosses my arms and puts them around his waist. “Bree agreed to share Brownie with her. Chalk it up as another good deed. Meanwhile, I don’t want you to share me with anyone else.”

  This talk of good deeds and not wanting me to share him is a pile of bunk. He just went over to Zulu’s place without letting me know. Should I be upset?

  Maybe I am the selfish one. Maybe I’m not noble enough to be with a man like Tyler. But I can’t settle for the crumbs when I want the entire cake, and I’m tired of being the one who holds everything together.

  “I don’t want to keep you to myself.” I unwrap my arms from him. “You belong out there, serving those who are in need.”

  “I belong with you, Kelly.” He puts his hands on his hips and peers at me as if I were a creature in a freak show. “I don’t get why you’re questioning our relationship. All because I didn’t come home one night, after I told you about it?”
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  “I don’t want to fight about it.” I sweep myself from the kitchen and gather Arman from the playpen. “Kids need bathing and bedtime stories. You need to get back to the suicide watch …”

  “Hold it.” He grabs my arm. “I’m not going back there tonight. I thought I told you. That’s what I told her, and she agreed.”

  “You’re making me seem like the problem here.” I head for the bathroom with Arman. “Like I’m holding you back from all the good deeds you could be doing.”

  “I’ll read Bree her bedtime story,” Tyler says, turning his back on me. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

  I fill the baby tub for Arman and play with him while giving him a bath. He splashes and laughs as I squirt water at him with his rubber ducky.

  “I don’t want to break up with your daddy,” I tell him. “Because you deserve to have a father around. I just don’t know if I’ll be happy playing second fiddle.”

  In the other room, Tyler and Bree are laughing and reading The Grouchy Ladybug. Every time, Tyler reads the part of the other animal, Bree yells, “Hey you, you wanna fight?” and shouts, “You’re not big enough.”

  I kiss Arman as I dry him and wrap him in a towel. Tears rim my eyes, and my heart shrinks inside of me. How can I be so selfish as to take Tyler away from my children, all because I want to be first place in his life?

  The problem is all mine. Wanting too much of him. Wives of presidents, policemen, pastors, and doctors all sacrifice their personal time with their husbands in order to let them serve others.

  I put on Arman’s diaper and pajamas and hold him close. The refrain to one of my favorite songs floats through my mind. “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

  22

  ~ Tyler ~

  “Come here,” Tyler said, taking Kelly by the hand. Both children were in dreamland, and it was time for him to figure out what was bothering his fiancée.

  While it was true Kelly had the brunt of work with the children, the wedding planning, and the day-to-day logistics, she was the one who insisted on taking charge. She liked to be in control of the finances, the budget, the appointments, and the schedule. The way she was acting lately, it was obvious she was unhappy and about to break under the stress.

  She was silent as he led her up the stairs leading to the small rooftop deck. Houses in San Francisco were squeezed together and narrow, with their walls adjacent to the next one. Instead of spreading out, they sprouted upwards.

  The full moon gleamed over the mist. Usually San Francisco was foggy, but the spell of chilly weather they’d been having made the sky unusually clear.

  Drawing Kelly to his side, he pointed at the moon. “Whenever I missed you, I used to look up there and send my prayers over to you.”

  She twisted her mouth with a wry smile and blinked briefly at the luminous orb, obviously resisting his charm.

  Tyler pulled out one of the redwood deck chairs and when Kelly reached for the other one, he grabbed her around the waist and put her on his lap.

  “This isn’t a good idea if we’re going to talk.” She remained stiff, not conforming to his warmth.

  “I want to hold you.” He spoke into her hair while stroking her shoulder. “The moon is so gorgeous, I had to share it with you.”

  “Yes, but I have a lot to do tomorrow, and if you’re going to play games, I might as well go to sleep.” She crossed her arms. Her profile was as stubborn as little Bree’s when she didn’t want to clean her room.

  He wasn’t about to let her go, because having her in his arms allowed him to gauge her feelings. Kelly was good at pretending she had everything together, but these past few weeks, she was stressed and making snide remarks—especially about Zulu.

  “I need to know what’s going on with you.” Tyler held her firmly.

  “Nothing’s going on,” Kelly said, still unable to relax in his arms. “You know about Bree’s bone marrow test and the wedding. There’s her Christmas play and Arman’s birthday party, and obviously, all the out of town guests and the Donor’s Ball for your work we’re expected to attend and the veterans toy drive, and—”

  He tilted her face toward his and brushed her hair back so he could peer into her eyes. “I want to know how things are with you, not everything you have to do.”

  “Why do you want to know?” She evaded his gaze and bit her lip.

  “Why? Because I’m your husband and if you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy. If something bothers you, it bothers me.”

  “You’re not my husband yet,” she grumbled in a low, stubborn voice.

  Alarm bells rang in his gut, and he swallowed a surge of bile. “Does this mean you don’t want to get married?”

  “No, I’ll marry you.”

  “You don’t sound happy about it. Are you upset about Zulu?” He’d learned through the hours of therapy to get right to the point of contention. Kelly might not be aware, but he was no longer the wounded man who hid unpleasant facts from himself.

  “No, it’s not her fault. She needs help.”

  “Yes, but so do you. Is that right?”

  She shrugged and sighed, shaking her head. “My problems are nowhere like hers. I bet you think I’m a selfish brat, asking for your attention.”

  “You deserve my attention, and I want to give it to you. I want to meet your needs, and if things are piling up on you, I want to take some of that load off.”

  “I can handle everything.” She jutted her chin at him. “I’m not a weak woman.”

  “You’re not weak, but you’re mine, and I intend to take care of my woman.” He tipped her lips to his and kissed her firmly.

  Her resistance melted and she kissed him back. But when he tried to dip his tongue into her mouth, she pushed away and pursed her lips tight. “You’re always a charmer, but I don’t need you to take care of me.”

  Tyler wiped his hand through his thick locks of hair. “You don’t have to do everything. For example, the wedding.”

  “Yes, the wedding.” She snorted and rolled her eyes. “All you have to do is show up. You don’t realize how much detail there is in the planning and coordination. You think everything’s just going to come together by magic.”

  “It will be okay, and I do want to help. It’s my wedding too. It’s Bree’s adoption promise ceremony. It’s all very important to me.” He ran the back of his fingers across her face. “You’re important to me.”

  “I wish I could believe it.” She lowered her face. “And you’ll probably think less of me, that I’m acting selfish and childish. I’m stronger than this, and I should trust you and allow you to do all the good deeds in your heart.”

  “You’re strong, but you shouldn’t shoulder everything. Like tomorrow. I can take Bree to the doctor to get her blood drawn. I’m sure you’re busy at work, whereas my time is flexible since all I have to do is the Donors Ball.”

  “I’m her mother. It’s my responsibility.”

  “I’m her father.” He stroked her hair. “In fact, I should be the one dropping off and picking up the kids. You have more work year end with tax accounting, and I have less since nothing’s going on other than parties and balls.”

  “But you have to help Zulu go to her therapy.” She squirmed in his lap. “What if she’s not okay tonight?”

  “She’ll be okay with Brownie around.” He suppressed the tiny jolts of anxiety sparking in his chest. “Brownie won’t let anything happen to her.”

  “Yes, but I’d feel awful that I threw a tantrum and you’re sitting here with me instead of monitoring her.”

  “I’m here because I want to be here. I want you to be sure you want to marry me, and I want you to know you’re my first priority. As for Zulu, I’ll check on her in the morning.”

  “Your knee’s jittering.” She moved off his lap, and he felt a shiver go up his back. “You’re really worried about her. Brownie can’t stop her if she wants to shoot herself. Are you sure Sawyer doesn’t have a gun lying around?”

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p; “Why are you scaring me?” He rubbed his palms over his thighs. “Why are you making me nervous?”

  “Because you care about her more than a friend.” She shuddered, her eyes large and accusing. “I’m a woman, and I can tell.”

  “Me and Zulu?” A spear of adrenaline jolted him from the redwood deck chair. “Seriously, nothing happened.”

  “I’ve been rolling it over in my mind, and I can’t imagine she would just kiss you without having kissed you before. It doesn’t happen that way, no matter how emotional she got.”

  Tyler gulped and averted his face from Kelly. She was so upset right now that if he told her he and Zulu used to have a thing going, she could possibly call off the wedding.

  But at the same time, he didn’t want to start his marriage off with a cloud hanging over his head. He had to go into his wedding with a clean conscience and trust that she loved him.

  “You’re not saying anything.” Kelly pointed out. “Does that mean you do have something to tell me?”

  “I don’t want you to overblow it. You’re the only woman I want to make a life with. You’re the one I love. I told Zulu that today.”

  “But the fact you had to tell her that means she had some kind of expectation from you.” Kelly nailed him with a stare as sharp as a ginsu knife.

  “Yes, she did, and it was a long time ago.” He blinked back the ache that overwhelmed him at how different things could have been if they’d never deployed to Afghanistan. “We liked each other during air assault school, but it never went beyond kissing.”

  Kelly nodded slowly, her face cold as stone. “I can’t fault you for what happened in the past, but are you thinking about going back to her?”

  “Not at all. Do you know how hard it was to tell her I couldn’t stay with her, knowing she could possibly kill herself?”

  “I don’t want to put you in a grave dilemma.” Kelly’s shoulders sagged, and she let out a resigned sigh. “If you want to go back to her, I’ll have to let you go.”